Unfortunate events

Based on The Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket. Featured in Read Something Else: Collected & Dubious Wit & Wisdom of Lemony Snicket: www.harpercollins.com/9780062854223/read-something-else-collected-and-dubious-wit-and-wisdom-of-lemony-snicket/

It seems that you are intent on causing yourself discomfort and sadness, so we won't delay your suffering any longer. While being matched up with Count Olaf or one of the Baudelaire children may prove to be helpful in understanding yourself better, we're sure that there are other, less sadistic ways that you might uncover these mysteries.